(this post is part of a challenge I’m doing where I go 30 days of November doing something that scares me, challenges me, or just is outside of my comfort zone, you can view the start of this here: 30 Days of Embracing YES )
This isn’t fitness related, but it’s fear related. When I was a little girl I used to dream about how my life was going to be at age 26…I look at my life today and it is much different than that childhood fantasy. I don’t know what job I thought I would think I’d have…I know I loved animals and insects and writing…I remember specifically saying I was going to be an entomologist or a zoologist then at one point I wanted to be a writer. I know I loved to entertain people and I liked to do gymnastics. I was never as good as my cousin Ryan who still today coaches gymnastics. I knew that I would be married to the love of my life and probably have a child or two by now. I knew that I’d of course have a dog, and probably own my own house with my loving husband.
It’s funny how we dream that age 26 is the age where everything is supposed to be figured out and although my innocent soul saw butterflies and everyone being perfect, my life ended up a lot different than the reality of today.
As a young girl, I faced a very rough childhood. I have seen more pain in my life then I’d ever care to give to my future child. I grew up in a world where I had to learn to numb my own pain, I had to learn to raise myself, and I had to learn that unconditional love doesn’t always come from your birth mother. I had to learn to self-sooth and at the end of the day it came down to learning to survive. I had so many suppressed feelings that I wasn’t allowed to share and so much abuse that was endured by my innocence. Over time I learned to keep my mouth shut and just do the best I can. I learned to numb out.
When I first discovered alcohol, I found the cure to all my pain…something that replaced the self-driven numbness I had poured into my life. Today I can see all this with a clear head. Today I see the reasons for my stunted growth in my childhood. Today I see that I was taught to never show fear, never ever show that you are in pain. Crying solves nothing, and people will always let you down.
This is a very emotional entry and it is all the cold truth. I have been living in fear for most of my life. I cling to aloof, detached relationships because I don’t know how to feel true love. I don’t know how to accept compliments, let alone embrace the people who basically shove them in my face. I am used to being failed and I am used to failing. Fear drives my life until now. I am willing to challenge this mess I have been hiding.
I have never seen a movie alone. My confidence level has been out of whack for some time now. Day 5 was making the decision to kill my fear as being seen as “alone”. I know I don’t have it all together today, I know that the dream I seeked as a child will happen someday but today I must work on being happy with myself. I never in my life saw going to a movie alone as something fun or worthwhile but fuck it…who I am today is who I am. I will do whatever I want without caring about what others think. I can be completely content of having life on life’s terms and seeing the movie alone was extremely empowering because it was looking at my insecurities and crushing them. I feel like someday I will be an amazing yoga instructor…but I know I need to see my issues and face them with eyes wide open. Today I accomplished a fear that may be small to others, but HUGE to me. I can’t wait to figure out what’s next.
